An old review of a horrible, horrible show from Disney.
I wrote this a while back and it's a mite bit sour but god dammit, I did not sit through a half and hour of that crap for nothing! Enjoy!
It's christmas time and the living is easy. Well not really. I've got finals coming up, a load of work to do and the stress that comes with all of that. So in order to channel it somewhere productive(Okay not productive but it is somewhere), I'm doing a recap. But not just any review/recap. I'm doing the Disney Abomination known as "The Suite Life on Deck", with the episode "A London Carol" And belive me, if I didn't have satallite I would have looked it up on wikipedia.
Now for those of you who don't watch alot of childrens televison, (Though for Disney Channel I usually stay FAR FAR AWAY, only reserching it ocasinally out of Curiosity) The Suite Life on Deck is actually what I thought was an Ill concived spin-off of the Suite Life of Zack and Cody. And with more expositon, it was a show about two mischevious and annoying twins,.... sorry I had to make sure which one is which. But anyways, Zack, profesinal douchebag, ladies man and apprently the illigetamate son of Zack Morris. I know they apprently have a father but he's blonde, he's messy, he defies authority, he gets away with stuff when the episode doesn't have a moral. Cody is his opisite, studious, courtesous and always telling his brother not to do whatever scam he's running. He fails EVERY TIME. They had wacky adventures and irritated the black manager, Mr.Mosby. Normally His race would be nothing worth noting, except when he's not working, he's esetially plays Manserveant to spoiled rich moron, an asian, London Tipton, who's dad owned the hotel. Again it's not a race things so much as a "Pointing out how much of a stereotype this is" thing. I mean your only two Non-White charicters are an airhead and the constantly abused athourity figure. Do the math.
Now while their were more chaircters, they didn't carry over to the spin-off. As for what's diffrent about on deck... well the twins are teenagers and their ON A BOAT! That's it. No i'm not kidding. Other than two new charicters it is the exact same show. They just took the four actors who had no otheer career options and threw them on a boat. Oh and they added two new charicters. Woody, whos basically a sterotypical nerd, and Bailey, Cody's southren love intrest who's whole charicter is pointing out what London is doing wrong. So basically they took Ashley Tisdales charicter from the previous show and made her younger and southren.
Amazingly the show has lasted as long as the original, despite my predictions it woudl fail within a year. Apprently kids have lower standards than I thought. So this shit is the christmas special. I only watched it because of both the lead in and it's fun to make fun of this shit. So without futher ado hear we go.
We begin with Cody in a tight Elf costume and Bailey in Santa outfit that masks her gender. Cody notes that she looks hot, but Bailey says that's sexual harrisment if your "Just Friends". Oh yeah I forgot to mention they were actually in a relationship but then it ended. I don't know why and I don't really care. No he actually means she looks hot, because their in south america which is hot when it's winter hear. She insults his tights, but he says their great for his spin class. (Insert Gay and/or Unich Joke Hear). Their collecting presents for orphans, though where there gonna find childrens toys on a boat full of High-Schoolers is anyones guess. Try checking Codys room. Since this world runs on sterotypes he's bound to have a lot of action figures. I know I do.
Meanwhile Zack, in an unrelated note, is late for work at the ships Juice Bar. Mr.Moesby is very angry about this and tells him to work christmas, and be there at 6am. Zack protests but he was 6 hours late and asked for a break. That's supposed to be funny but he's lucky he wasn't fired. The only other job he could probably get on the boat is a male prostitute, and he already does that for free.
Cody and Bailey visit London in the hopes that she will give a donation to the orphans, figuring she wouldn't be greedy and self centered like she has for 6 seasons. They were wrong, she's not giving them jack, and the gold bars she has out are for santa. No i'm not kiding here, she's so obcenliy wealthy that she left gold for santa. She says that when they give her presents, then they'll get gold. Londons a bitch.
So that night, Scrooge Style(Not Mcduck. He would donate to the orphans, maybe not much. And even if he didnt' he earned all of his money, every cent. He also once destroyed a riverboat. Scrooge Mcduck is a badass.) get's visited by her incredibly gay mirror. And I don't mean gay in the way douchebags use to discribe things they don't like. I'm talking about a pink mirror that gives fashion advice and talks like a gay stereotype. He says she needs to repent but she refuses to listen so he lures her into him and off to the past they go.
London is taken back to when she was 8. It's christmas, like all A Christmas Carol knockoffs. the mirror explains that they can see the others, but they can't see them. This actually goes over her head to the point where he has to say "No talk, listen only". She's that dumb. So Mr.Mosby enters, because as I said his other job is her manservant. Sortof like "The Toy" Except slightly less racist. I'm just kidding: It's exactly as racist. London does the exact same things her little self does, proving what we already knew:London has the mind of a child. That's what happens then your daddy buys your way through school, just ask Billy Madison.
Little London and Moesby are getting ready to go to the christmas shelter, but when he says her dad isn't coming London refuses to go and runs over moesbys foot. Moesby knows he'll get his ass fired if he tries to press things and runs off. this is actually a bit sad to be honest.
Meanwhile Charlie... I mean Zack is preparing to try and keep himself with Alan... I mean Codys help. Zack hits Cody in his sleep. Two and a Half men is brough to you by.. THE SAME DOUCHEBAGS. CHUCK LORRE IS USING AN ALIAS. I SWEAR TO GOD.
London wakes up and thinks it's all a dream.... but the gay mirror shows up and takes her to the present, where we see bailey and cody won't have enough presents for the orphans. So what their just donations, i'm sure there will be more than enough. London doesn't get what she's done wrong or what she's doing wrong with both flashbacks. Also Zack tries to get Mr.Mosby to relent but he says no. Zack did something wrong and now he has to pay the piper. and Mosby. He dosen't get paid much.
Since the annoying bitch won't learn her lesson, the Mirror takes her to the distant future, the Year 2000 where the humans are dead and robots used poisonus gasses to poison their asses. Just kidding we're actually at the Tipton again, but this time Londons an asian spinster. London is not happy about this. She is also alone and Santa dosen't have anything for her, because she's stuck up, greedy bitch. The only reason he kept giving her stuff was because her dad paid him an exorbant amount that helped santa with expenses. Those reindeer gotta feed and the elves don't work for christmas cookies anymore. theire aren't any minmum wage laws at the north pole but running around New York shouting "HEY MIDGETS, WANT TO WORK FOR SANTA?" was getting him beat up so he had to settle the strike somehow. Moesby would be there but as the gay magic mirror put it, he's gone up to the big hotel in the sky. He means heavean, not the sky hotel london thinks he is. But their probably are sky hotels in the future. for all we know the tipton could have been propelled into the sky by jets as some point.
Future London tires calling Bailey, who refuses to talk to her for treating her like shit for 50 years, which is sound resaoning. She's on her 50th wedding anniverseery cruise with Cody, who's now wering a captains hat and a monocle. Man Future Cody is badass. Oh Zack is there too and is blind, but Cody didn't want to leave him at home becuase the show implies he had an old person orgie while they were gone. It took over an hour to burn that image from my brain. So London is alone and this is actually pretty sad. Wow. Damn you Zack and Cody for making me care! London actually has a change of heart and when her delivery boy(Not Mosby, it's his day off) brings her gifts so she tips him a gold bar and takes them to the orphans. He probably took the other two while she wasn't lookign. this is gonna be his best christmas ever. He' s gonna buy a dragon with this shit, and then they will all pay.
Meanwhile Cody has set up a Pee Wee Herman Contraption to wake Zack up, and it scares him awake but it also activates a decoy at the juice bar. No wonder Codys a rich, monocled super captain in the future. He could make millons with a brain like that. Moesby gives real Zack the day off.
So Cody and Bailey are giving gifts to the ... orphans? Their are actual orphans on the Boat?! what do they just grab random children from orphanages and school them in the bowels of the ship? what the hell? oh and Baileys wearing a much more flattering santa outfit but Codys spin outfit is keeping him cool... somehow. They say the orphans will have to share but London shows up and gives them her stuff. It's a nice gesture but what kids gonna want a sparkley dress, jingle keys, a Kesha(I refuse to add the dollar sign) cd, and some diamonds. Well they can trade the diamonds for food at least. She also paid santa extra to Deliver gifts for her friends. She gave Cody a first class ticket home, Zack a jetpack(Of course knowing London it's probably made out of cardboard) and Bailey gets jack shit because london is a horrible friend. But anyways Bailey and Cody both feel sorry for who their gonna marrie not knowing that Bailey will probably be pretty hot when she gets older and that Cody will become a super space monocle captain. Like Uncle Scrooge and Fraisers bastard child.. . but in space. Oh and Moesby apologizes but Zacks cons uncoverd. Wackety shcmackety doo.
But that's not the end, oh no. Well of the episode it is, but now for the shit that played before and during this.
Take Two With Phineas and Ferb:
Dammit Disney is whoring out their only good show. Basically Phineas and Ferb interview celbreites. That's it. Oh and it's nothign like the show. Phineas acts like a reg Talk show host, and Guest Jack Black goes on with him about names that ryme, and the last names a color. And Mr.Black apprently banged one of them. Jack Black also juggles and then plays the worst song of all time. Oh and I'll probably review this crap again, because the teaser showed future guests being Randy Jackson, Regis Philben and Taylor Swift. NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE PRODUCE ANYTHING GOOD. YES I AM MAD ABOUT THIS!
Baciacally some obnoxious douche adding his stupid extreme sports commentary to some classic disney scenes. Since donald is one of these, I'm fairly certain that duck artist Carl Barks will rise from the grave and punish those responsible.
Shake It Up! Promo
Basically some foregin kid trys to get a cheerleadar to have sex with him. This show is apprently about dancing. Disney is so racist.
Well that's all for now tune in next time. Same Battime Same Batchannel.
P.S. At this point I have passed all of my finals with flying colors. Woop Woop.